The Conversation
by Supergirrl
Summary: Caleb and Julian talk. Random humor. Do not hold me accountable to this insanity.


This is really weird, but a bit funny. Kind of random, and strange, though.

Disclaime:Yeah, I'm Disney. I own Witch and Caleb. Not.

* * *

"Hey, Dad, can I ask you something?"

Julian looked up from his sword, which he was polishing. It had been several days since the "No, Caleb, I am your mother!" disaster, and Caleb had been unusually quiet. Julian knew it was a combination of the loss of Elyon, Nerissa's announcement, and Cornelia's violent, leaves-in-the-face mood swings. In other words, his little boy was having women problems.

Julian set down his sword and leaned back as he replied," Fire away."

"How many sisters do I have?"

Julian's face went from smug content, to shock, to downright confusion as he said," You're an only child. The Mage- I mean, Nerissa- and I only had one child."

"I mean, last time I was on Earth, I went on Cornelia's computer thing on something they call the Internet, and I found this weird site called 'fanfiction', and there were a bunch of stories where I had a sister who was more powerful than the Guardians."

Julian groaned and buried his head in his hands. He knew that this day would come, but he hoped it wouldn't be so soon. This was ridiculous. Julian had faced psychotic princes, scheming sorceresses, pregnant Mages(there had been a pickle shortage in Meridian for months afterward), shape shifters, but he couldn't have a simple conversation with his own son! Fortifying all his strength, he said slowly," Caleb, I think you're old enough to know about-"

Caleb cut him off with," Dad, I already know about the Hoogongs and the bees. Remember when Aldarn and I found that magazine up in the palace when we were ten?"

Julian winced at thought of that extremely unpleasant conversation explaining what, exactly, was happening in those pictures.

Julian shuddered before continuing," This is something entirely different, Caleb. These, Caleb, are called Mary-Sues." Suddenly, a thunder clap sounded and wind blew the shutters on their small home. Dramatic organ music began to play, and Julian slammed the shutters shut before yelling at a magically appearing organ player," Can you please cut it out? We're trying to talk." The organ player sighed, and vanished in a puff of smoke. "Anyways, Mary Sues are the most evil thing ever to walk this earth, son."

Caleb pointed out that they were, in fact, not on Earth, but Meridian(Or Metamoor, if you get technical). Julian rolled his eyes(Where had his son's sarcasm come from? Not from him, that was for sure.) and continued," Mary-Sues are perfect creatures, but they are purely evil. Their perfection causes the destruction and manipulation of the canon characters, and an extremely powerful one can destroy an entire fandom." This time, eerie flute music began to pipe through their small cabin. In one smooth movement, Julian impaled the man standing just inches behind him with the flute on his now-bloody sword. The man vanished in a puff of smoke, and Julian went on," It was the duty of the Guardians of the True Fandom to rid Meridian of the Sues. Since those Guardians are long dead, it is the duty of the one most often preyed upon by Sues-that would be you-to defend himself from the threats of the Sues. You may have seen the 'sisters of Aldarn' Sues, and those are most dangerous. To help you in your fight against the Sues, I give you this." He brandished the blood-stained sword, blade-first. Caleb gingerly accepted it, and wiped his hands off on the wall. A slight smile crept across Julian's face as he said," This is the patented SueSlayer10000, complete with a Sue tracking device, self-regeneration properties for the sword, and much much more if you call the number on your screen-"Caleb whacked him over the head with his fist, and Julian shook his head and apologized," Sorry, I was channeling the spirit of a TV salesman. Won't happen again. Anyways, use this sword wisely, it is your only hope, blah blah blah, you know the rest. The usual symbolic crap."

Caleb tilted his head thoughtfully," Did you just say crap?"

"Yeah. What of it?"

"Nothing. It's just a bit odd." This time, a woman began to sing creepy sounding nonsense behind Julian. All he had to do was turn around and glare, and she vanished. At that moment, there was a knock on their door. Caleb went answer it, and when he opened it, he was met by someone so beautiful, it made Cornelia and young Nerissa look homely. She had perfect waist length blonde hair(Very few Meridianites are blonde, just Drake, Phobos, and Elyon), huge sparkling blue eyes(Elyon and Phobos), and a perfect willowy figure. Her mouth was a cupid's-bow, and she was, without a doubt, the most perfect creature Caleb had ever seen. But before she could open her perfect mouth to say anything, or even move, a huge rock came out of nowhere, pinning the Sue to the ground.

The furious Earth Guardian landed next to the trapped Sue and hissed," No one touches my boyfriend, Sue! Will, touch her with the Heart." The slightly confused redhead landed next to Cornelia, and touched the Sue with her radiant crystal. With a perfect, ear-splitting shriek, the Sue vanished with a poof of pink smoke. Cornelia turned the rock to dust, and addressed Julian as she leaned against Caleb," You forget to mention that as Guardians of the Veil, we also destroy Sues. We've got to get over to the Avatar fandom at nine, and Phantom fandom at eight tomorrow morning. Can Caleb come? Oh, and by the way, I'm pregnant. Caleb was kind of sad after the whole Elyon-in-the-jewel thing, and I decided to help him, you know, feel better."

Julian screamed. And very far away, Nerissa choked on her own spit as she shouted," I thought Julian bought them birth control! That moron! She had better be wearing a wedding ring before the kid's born!"

* * *

Don't ever expect me to write something like this again. 


End file.
